Finding Peace

The past few days I have been searching for peace.  Peace of mind.  I have been unable to find peace when I sleep or even at times awake because I am constantly in a state of grieving and mourning.  I try to watch a movie or look through a magazine and for a small moment I forget and get lost in thought and then BOOM!!!!! it hits me like a mad truck coming at me 100 miles per hour.
This blog is supposed to be a venting place for me, a release of some kind even if no one will ever read it.  (I wish people would comment more so I could actually know if someone was reading it)
On Friday, my friend Susan opened up her brand new store in a new location.  Before my father had the stroke I was counting the days to venture out and experience The New Black Eyed Susan.  Ever since it happened I have been consumed and have retreated.  I decided on Friday that I needed to get away by myself. (and not for food shopping Yuk!)  I had received a reminder that the store had its grand opening.
I had a card for my friend and I decided that I would go.
My friend Susan lost her mother last week.  The day after my father's memorial she received a phone call that her mother had fallen and probably had suffered a stroke.  She told me on Friday that her and her sister Denise were planning to visit me on Sunday and bring me and my family dinner since they had missed the memorial due to the store's opening.  To their surprise, their dear mother suffered a stroke and passed a few days later with her family by her bedside.
Susan's daughter Michelle wrote the most beautiful blog and blogged about the funeral and her precious grandmother.  (I hope Susan, Denise nor Michelle mind that I am including this) I was moved and had my mother read it as well.  (If anyone is interested, I have Michelle's blog on my list of Blogs that I follow titled chez moi, just click and read.  You will be moved.)
As I was reading her blog I felt sad that I hadn't done the same for my father's memorial.  You see anyone who knows me well, knows that I am not ever too far from my trusted friend, my camera.
There isn't any event that is important to me that I don't have it right by my side documenting with my digital companion.
Truthfully, I couldn't handle Saturday.  I couldn't handle the last month and a half.  I can't even handle writing this well.
This is too close to write about.  I guess since Michelle was the granddaughter, she could document for her mother from a view that her mother would never be able to take.  Too painful.  That is why I couldn't.  Thinking about it I asked one of my cousins if anyone had taken any photos.  I had so many lovely flowers and beautiful cards and more flowers and did I say more flowers.  Unfortunately there were not many but I did get a photo of the table I had prepared with my dad's things.

I wish I had taken more photos of the flowers and all the cards.  It was truly overwhelming.
Did I say food too?  Lets just say I am in no hurry to see any more cakes or hero trays.

So what am I doing now, after the last flower had died and the food is all gone, the phone calls and cards have stopped and the calendar has turned it's page?  I sit on my porch with my trusted and loyal friend Rudy.  Rudy has suffered a great loss too.  He lost his best friend and brother Max.  They spent hours tormenting each other and chasing one another and even sleeping along side of one another.  Now Rudy is constantly by my side, asleep or just simply watching me.  He looks at me and with those big eyes that are sad now he tells me . . . he says I know momma, I know, me too.  And then he licks my face.
Thank you God for him.  He is helping me heal.  Maybe I can help him too.


Alexie said...

You are held and very loved my dear sister. The blog is lovely and Susan's daughter's was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing and please send Susan my love and condolences.


Denise said...

Oh Lee, how I feel your pain and the ache in your heart. One thing that really helps me get through it--as corny as it sounds--is knowing that my mother can now see (she had advanced macular degeneration), and has no aches and pains. I'm convinced she is having a wonderful reunion with her family members and friends who preceded her in death. I'm also convinced that she is mindful of us who miss her so much.

When your grief gets too heavy to bear just remember that you can lay your burdens at the feet of Savior and he will carry them for you. My prayers are with you (and I totally understand about the over-abundance of food!). Love you.

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