What Is Missing?

Not one Hydrangea!  Not a single one.  
So I had shared with my blogging friends about having my Hydrangeas trimmed in the fall and how that had been a big mistake.  My son gets married at home in 71 days and I had been hoping for autumn  hydrangeas in their lovely sagey hues to adorn many tables and arrangements.  
For years my porch had been adorned with lovely heads of the poping flowers that seemed to want to peek over the porch railing.  One year I stopped counting at 130 something.  There were too many to keep track of.  
As I walk around the perimeter of my home looking at those gigantic green leaves bare with no flowers  to gaze at, I remain unaffected.  Normally I would be preoccupied with the fact that my garden lacked blooms but these days there are other things that occupy my mind.
In fifteen days my youngest son will be leaving me.  He will be entering the University of Tennessee and embarking on the greatest four years of a young adults life.  
I find myself lost in thought.  Preoccupied with lists and what is missing?  
What does he need?  Did I get everything?  What could he possibly be leaving here that he will regret not taking.  
I roam aimlessly through supermarkets, pharmacy's, and department stores with a semi empty cart tossing a few things here and there without vision or ability to focus.  
When did this all happen?  How did I get here so fast?
I have trouble finishing sentences on the phone when I am asked about college and the days ahead because the emotions overwhelm me.  
There is a constant heaviness in my throat and a feeling I can't express without my tears falling uncontrollably down my face.  
Tomorrow is the wedding shower for my oldest son and his beautiful fiancee and as I rush through making jam, figuring out what to wear, visits to the inlaws to help with preparation for tomorrow as the rain continues to pour, I keep looking for things.  I search in my bag or walk around room by room not exactly knowing what I'm searching for but realizing that I will never truly find it.  
What I'm lookin for is time and where it has gone, or desperately searching for an excuse, or an item to fill the void inside of me that I can not articulate. 
At the same time I am excited and happy for my son and I know he will do well at the university because it is the perfect fit.  It will challenge him and embrace him.  I am happy and excited for my oldest because I know he is marrying his soulmate and the best girl I could have ever dreamed of having for a daugher in law.  But I continue to feel like something is missing.
So I walk around looking for any hidden hydrangeas.  None to be found.  I watch my sons as they walk around the house laughing and engaged in conversation and I try really hard to memorize their faces, to take a mental photograph of the moment and to hold on to these final days. 


Michele @ The Nest at Finch Rest said...

Winter was really rough on hydrangea. Mine isn't performing well either.

DO make sure you give it some nutrition - all flowering plants need soil food once a month for optimum flowers. If you haven't tried that, do and see how it goes?

I also tend to cut off really super large leaves - all the energy for the plant goes to the leaves and not to making a flower if they get out of hand.

You should be able to cut them down and be fine - ? I do......but then sometimes it is an every other year thing when you cut a lot.

Good luck, sure hope it works for you. Sing to them, that will help too - and ask the garden fairies for help. : - )

Have a wonderful weekend.

I am going wedding dress shopping with my youngest daughter and her female bridal party.....can't wait....so I understand your melancholy. Hugs.

Catherine said...

Sending love and hugs xoxo

Marilyn said...

Change can be so overwhelming, especially when everything happens at the same time. Sometimes it's hard to separate the "frills" from the essentials. Try making a list of everything that's on your mind and then review it with the most levelheaded, laid back person you know. I bet that list will be pared down to half. Concentrate on the essentials.

You will get through this and it will all be great!

Marilyn (in Dallas)

Dori at The Red Feedsack said...

Dear Lisa, oh..... I remember those exact feelings. Wasn't ever able to put them into words so well though. I don't think I ever cried as much as I did when both of my kiddos left home. Except maybe when my daughter and son in law took me to the airport after I had spent 6 weeks with them after they had my brand new grand-baby. I remember standing in line at security with the tears pouring down my face and my arms felt SO empty without that precious new born. All the goodbyes in life are hard. I'll be thinking of you.


P.S. Your hydrangeas may not be in bloom but the plants are absolutely GORGEOUS!!! :-)

must love junk said...

Oh, you have a lot of changes taking place, so no wonder you feel 'at odds'. Hopefully the good will overshadow the bad!

Pat Howe said...

So sorry it's sooooo hard and you will get through this.....sending big hugs...pat howe

White Lace and Promises said...

Great to have you spotlighted today. I love your blog and the shower ideas are so precious. The raspberry jam is a great idea. I will be following you. I've slowed down with blogging a bit and am mostly blogging about my children and grands. But hope you'll drop by for a visit someone and follow if you like.

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

You're not the only one with no blooms, Lisa. That's all I've been reading around blogland. Out of my three fairly new bushes, only one has blooms and another has some kind of funky thing going on.

I can feel your Mom pain. Becoming an empty nester can be hard and definitely "empty" feeling inside. I still have my moments of emotion and we have been empty nesters since we moved to Ohio almost three years ago.

Shirley@Housepitality Designs said...

Hoping over from Susan's...nice to meet you Lisa...and I must tell you that you are not alone in the hydrangea "missing persons" situation...I have a beautiful large bush and each year it produced hundreds of flowers...this year, there is one lone flower...maybe the hydrangea bees were pollinating!!
I so miss them!!...

My you are becoming an empty nester all at at once..such a void to fill in your heart. I so remember that day we dropped our son off at college . . . the drive home was awful knowing that we were coming home to the silence. . not having a house full of boys always gathered at our house..and they all left for college at the same time....but it does get better.

Linda said...

The leaves are beautiful, but if it bothers you, maybe you can talk to your gardening center about getting two large potted hydrangea plants in bloom in your favorite hue for each side of your porch. After the wedding, you can plant them in your garden, and they will be a special reminder of the day.

With two sons embarking on new phases of life, it is surely an emotional time! My child is eleven, and after reading your post, I could not help but give him a few extra hugs!

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