Not one Hydrangea! Not a single one.
So I had shared with my blogging friends about having my Hydrangeas trimmed in the fall and how that had been a big mistake. My son gets married at home in 71 days and I had been hoping for autumn hydrangeas in their lovely sagey hues to adorn many tables and arrangements.
For years my porch had been adorned with lovely heads of the poping flowers that seemed to want to peek over the porch railing. One year I stopped counting at 130 something. There were too many to keep track of.
As I walk around the perimeter of my home looking at those gigantic green leaves bare with no flowers to gaze at, I remain unaffected. Normally I would be preoccupied with the fact that my garden lacked blooms but these days there are other things that occupy my mind.
In fifteen days my youngest son will be leaving me. He will be entering the University of Tennessee and embarking on the greatest four years of a young adults life.
I find myself lost in thought. Preoccupied with lists and what is missing?
What does he need? Did I get everything? What could he possibly be leaving here that he will regret not taking.
I roam aimlessly through supermarkets, pharmacy's, and department stores with a semi empty cart tossing a few things here and there without vision or ability to focus.
When did this all happen? How did I get here so fast?
I have trouble finishing sentences on the phone when I am asked about college and the days ahead because the emotions overwhelm me.
There is a constant heaviness in my throat and a feeling I can't express without my tears falling uncontrollably down my face.
Tomorrow is the wedding shower for my oldest son and his beautiful fiancee and as I rush through making jam, figuring out what to wear, visits to the inlaws to help with preparation for tomorrow as the rain continues to pour, I keep looking for things. I search in my bag or walk around room by room not exactly knowing what I'm searching for but realizing that I will never truly find it.
What I'm lookin for is time and where it has gone, or desperately searching for an excuse, or an item to fill the void inside of me that I can not articulate.
At the same time I am excited and happy for my son and I know he will do well at the university because it is the perfect fit. It will challenge him and embrace him. I am happy and excited for my oldest because I know he is marrying his soulmate and the best girl I could have ever dreamed of having for a daugher in law. But I continue to feel like something is missing.
So I walk around looking for any hidden hydrangeas. None to be found. I watch my sons as they walk around the house laughing and engaged in conversation and I try really hard to memorize their faces, to take a mental photograph of the moment and to hold on to these final days.